Bob, Mary, and a Bar Hooker Joke

image: attractive woman
Bob and his wife Mary went on a trip to Vegas for their 25th wedding anniversary. After they entered the casino and checked in, an attractive young woman dressed in a very sexy dress walked up to Bob.  She introduced herself as Heather, and started to make small talk. Bob blew her off.

Mary said, “Bob, that young lady was nice and polite, and you were very rude.”

“Mary, she’s a call girl.”

“I can't believe that! That sweet young thing?”

“Let’s go up to the hotel room and I’ll prove she's a call girl.”

They entered the room and Bob called down to the reception desk and asked for ‘Heather’ to come to his room. “OK,” he said to his wife, “you hide in the closet with the door open just enough to hear us.” After about four or five minutes, there was a knock on the door. Bob opened it and Heather walked right in, looking very attractive.

Bob asked, “What do you charge for sex?”

“$200 per hour,” Heather responded.

“$200 per hour! I was thinking more around $50 per hour.” Bob said.

“You must be crazy if you think you can get sex at that low price.” Heather replied.

“Well, that's too high.” said Bob, “I guess you should just leave, Heather.”

After she left, Mary came out of the closet. She said, “I can’t believe it, but you were correct!”

Bob said, “Let’s forget all about it. Why don't we go have a drink.”

At the pub as they sipped their drinks, Heather came up behind Bob, pointed at Mary, and said, “See what you get for $50?”
Source: Alcoholic Humor

The Devil in a Packed Bar

image: devil
The Devil walks into a packed bar. Once people noticed the devil, the bar emptied with people running out the door screaming for help. Every one ran out except for one middle aged man sitting at the bar. The Devil walks over to where the man is seated and says "Don't you know I'm the Devil?"

The man sitting at the bar took another sip of his drink and says, "I know who you are."

The Devil shook his head at the man and said, "Well aren't you scared?"

The man looks at the Devil and shrugs "No, I've been married to your sister for 23 years. Why would I be scared of you?"
Source: Alcoholic Humor

A Twenty-Dollar Bill, a Bible, and a Bottle of Whiskey Joke

image: peep hole
An older couple had a son, who at 22 years of age was still living at home and unemployed. They decided to do a small test. They took a twenty-dollar bill, a Bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the dining room table, and hid, in a nearby closet.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunk."

So, the parents waited patiently, hiding in the nearby closet with a direct view of the dining room table. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son looked at the items left on the table. Immediately, he took the twenty-dollar bill, and slid it in his pocket. Next, he picked up the bible, flipped through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle of whiskey, opened it and took a swig. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father looked at his wife, and said: "Honey, our boy is going to be a politician!"

Source: Catholic Humor

Pothead in an Appliance Store

image: pot smoker
A pothead walks into an appliance store and asks the owner, "How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell anything to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week or so later, the stoner comes back and says, "I quit smoking pot. Now, how much for that TV set in the window?"

And the owner replies, "I told you I don't sell to potheads!" So the stoner leaves again.

He comes back a month or so later and says, "How much for that TV?"

The owner says, "I'm not going to tell you again, I don't sell anything to potheads!"

The stoner looks back at the owner and asks, "How can you tell I'm a pothead?"

The owner looks back and says, "Because that's a microwave."

Source: Alcoholic Humor

Wrong Way Joke

image: wrong way
A man who had too much to drink was driving down the freeway, and his cell phone rang. He fumbled for the phone, and after he answered he heard his wife's voice warning him, "Tom, I just heard on the radio that there's a car going the wrong way on expressway 75. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Tom. "It's hundreds of them!"

Source: Alcoholic Humor